So -- I and about 34,000 other people have a blog site that chronicles their diet and exercise program. I guess they hope that people will read it and be inspired by their progress, be educated by their epiphanies about health or feel a sense of "belonging" by reading about someone in a similar struggle. I have no such illusions. No one is going to read this. Well... four people will read it: Annie (adorable friend), Mark (dutiful husband), myself and some random stranger who has insomnia and finds this blog eight months from now in some long and twisted Google trail. And as far as inspiring, educating or providing a sense of community... well... I can't seem to inspire MYSELF past the next thing on the to-do list and I do not have the patience or the energy to educate MYSELF beyond what I NEED to know. Now... sense of community, of belonging, of not being alone? Of all the things I could do, THAT would be the one I'd want to accomplish for anyone... myself included.
That being said, let me tell you my tale. I joined the gym a week ago. The Pinnacle Club in Omaha, Nebraska. I haven't belonged to a gym in a decade. Not much has changed. Same sites, same sounds, same smells. Fewer classes. More TVs. Bigger variety of cardio machines. Still... it's the same animal it was before. As am I.
I'm partial to the elliptical machine. I like to put the headphones on, listen to heart-pounding fast-paced music and sweat to the beat. Makes it seem more like dancing and less like exercising. Time goes faster. So I'm pumping it out to Slade this morning. Working hard. Sweating. Enjoying the music. Surrounded by mirrors. MIRRORS! What is up with that?!
All I can think about it how disgusted I am by what I look like. I'm reminded of Jeff Foxworthy's joke: "If your butt and thighs look like the top of a white van after a hail storm, maybe spandex isn't the best choice for you." <sigh> I look TERRIBLE. Maybe I should buy some baggy sweat pants, I think. My arms remind me of my grandma Anna and how she used to let me pretend the fat on her arms was a little swing. I should just keep my arms down to my sides of I'm going to wear short sleeves. And... Oh Dear Lord... is that a DOUBLE CHIN!? GAH!
I'm tired. I'm tired of being fat. Especially since I LOST ALL THIS WEIGHT just three years ago. But I'm tired of all the camouflage too. After an entire life of being just on either side of the border between "healthy" and "fat chick", I am now a fat chick. I don't like it and certainly would like to step back across the border to healthy, but I'm tired of trying to hide it. <wiping tears, laughing at myself> It'll make for a better "before and after" right?
I had a great local photographer take "before" photos of me back in January. I was all excited about changing my health. I wanted photos that were nice, but showed me "as I am". Now... nearly three months later. There hasn't been any change. I'd told him and myself that I'd have a photo shoot every three months to "chart my progress". I'm not looking forward to the next photo shoot. <more tears> Two and a half months of the SlimFast 3-2-1 plan. (Reducing my daily caloric intake by about 1000-1500 calories.) Two and a half months of increased activity, including the last week adding a daily workout at the gym. Nothing. NOTHING.
So what do I do? The next thing. Work. Housework. Workout. Take care of myself... I mean a person HAS to take a shower, right? I've done the "social networking" thing and have gotten some good advice from Facebook friends, from the receptionist at the gym and from my husband. So - maybe this will be a brand new sta.... NO! I''m tired of starting all over again too. (Geez! I really AM tired!) I'm just going to go on. Just keep going.
You? Feeling frustrated? Join the club. Want to cry? I've got a shoulder and I've got tears to share. Need someone to be accountable to? Need someone to shoot ideas to or get ideas from? I'm here... if you want. I'm no fountain of wisdom, but I've been there, done that, am there, doing that. Shoot me a comment here or write to me [email protected]
Good luck. See you in a few days.